Today was a perfect example. With only 8 days until Christmas and 16 days until I leave, I was determined to get most of my Christmas gift wrapping and Paris packing done. Ambitious, I know. But I'm not a tightly wound, anal planning, anxious "what if" middle aged divorcée for nothing. So I wrapped. Presents for my grandkids. My cutest ever Charlie, sweetest ever Sebastian and searingly bravest ever Abby.
I wrapped presents for my kids, my mom, my family, my friends and more. And as I wrapped and stuck on bows and wound ribbons and stuffed tissue paper and signed little gift cards, I realized that I would be leaving all these people ~ all my family, my friends, those who have sustained me and supported me and encouraged me and loved me for the last 4 years. For the last lifetime. I would be leaving them for a year. I would not be able to drop in and get hugs and kisses and love and everything that has gotten me to a point where I can even contemplate leaving. And I was sad. Melancholy. Thoughtful. But most of all grateful. Grateful that I have so many people in my life who have gotten me to this point. To the point where I am strong enough to plan this long thought of and long awaited dream. To make myself go forward and to challenge myself to go beyond my comfort zone, leave my support network and fly by myself to a life I have only dared imagined. I will miss my family. They have no idea how much I will miss them. Some think I'm doing this capriciously. That I am not thinking of what I am leaving behind. But I think of it every day. And I know I have to go. I have to be brave and do this for myself. Because if I don't, I will regret it every day for the rest of my life. So I am going but I am bringing you all with me. In my heart. In my mind's eye. In my soul. I am bringing all the love and courage and determination and support you have given me in the last four years as I've remade my life. As I've redrawn my future to something I could not have imagined that dark, cruel day in November 2013 when my life changed in a heart breaking instant. You have all been the catalyst for this life-altering, this life changing, this life defining moment. I thank you all for helping me get to this point where I can take this giant step forward and do something just for me. Just because.
So that leads me to the packing.........because after the wrapping, came the packing. Because I said to myself, this is what I am doing today. So that's what I did. Because that's what I do. I make lists. I make plans. I give myself objectives and I meet them. At work. At home. In life. I just do. I don't know how to not do that. I wish I did. I'd probably sleep a hell of a lot better if I could just not do that sometimes. But that's just not who I am. And I probably won't change now. Anyways, I digress. The packing............well, because of who I am, I've been building a list in my mind of what I would take. What I would leave behind. What I had to bring. What I wanted to bring. What I could bring if I had the space. So I've been writing that list in my mind for a few months. Crossing things out. Putting them back. Debating with myself............is that extra coat really necessary? Will I wear that dress? That scarf? Those heels? Today I gathered all those scattered little thoughts and gave them a voice. I separated items into summer, fall and winter. Absolutely vital and meh, maybe I just better toss this in since I have the space. I put some 70s music on my Apple Music and bopped around, folding, rolling and stuffing into every spare inch, crevice and space of my 3 suitcases. And you know what? I was happy during that time. I wasn't worried. I wasn't scared. I wasn't guilty. I wasn't anxious. I just was. I packed and sang and danced and didn't think about anything else except that I am moving to fucking Paris for a whole year. Me. I did this. All by myself. Got my visa. Got my apartment. Got my financial affairs in order. Got my life ahead of me. It's very rare for me to just be mindlessly happy. I always have so much going on in my head. I can't seem to stop the thoughts and worries and love and anxieties from swirling around in there. But for a few short hours this afternoon, I was able to just pack and think about this huge adventure ahead of me and I was happy. Content. Excited.
I chatted with a close friend this afternoon and I was telling him that I can't believe I'm going to Paris for a year in 2 weeks. And he stopped me. Told me I needed to reword that sentence just a bit. Told me that I was just going to Paris ~ dot, dot, dot. And to just let the rest happen. No timeline. No expectations. No must do's. No plans. Just, I'm going to Paris ~ dot, dot, dot...........
So that's what I'm going to try to do. Just go to Paris ~ dot, dot, dot.....................
In the meantime, I hope this post has given you an idea of what this blog will be. It will be raw. It will be emotional. It will be searingly honest. Probably too much so. But that's me. I don't know any other way to be. I don't have a filter. I don't censor myself. So it's not for everyone. And that's ok. Because in the end, this blog is really for me. It's my journal to myself. It's won't be pretty sometimes. But it will always be real. I wrote something down a while ago that I want to say now ~ what I write may not be great. But it will always be true.
So you've been warned. Come along for the ride, but it might not always be fun. But there will be pretty Paris pictures lol. And on that note, in order to keep the 3 people that may still be reading this and thinking, wait, I thought this was going to be about Paris, here's some photos to keep you hanging on..........
This summer, on a sunny, warm day while strolling by myself in our capital city of Ottawa, I had one of those perfect moments of clarity, where I just knew, for whatever reason, that everything I've been through in my life has been leading me to this time. I just knew I was on the right track and that I had to go on this journey, this discovery of who I was and what might be possible for me. I just had to Let It Be..........
