The people in my life.........

As most of you know, I am back home in Canada. I came home last Friday to support Derek and Abby as she continues her cancer treatments.  It was time to come home and be mom and grandma for a little while.  My son has been carrying the load by himself for far too long. I hope to be able to ease that load a little while I'm here.  My heart told me it was time to come so I followed my heart.

Before I left, some amazing people in my life decided to reach out to my friends and family to raise money to help with my expenses.  To say I was overwhelmed with this generosity is a huge understatement.  I have said many, many times that I am so blessed to have so many good people in my life.  These are the people who stood by me every step of the way as my life collapsed around me almost five years ago.  Who believed in me as I slowly, painstakingly rebuilt it, one day and one dream at a time.  Who were there for me when I was consumed by rage and anger and sadness and despair.  Who helped me see that life was still worth living, that it could be better than ever, that I could be happier and more content than I had ever been.

They were right.  My life is my own now.  And I love that life.  I love that I am a strong, independent woman, living my dream in Paris.  I love that I could lift myself up, dust myself off and will my way into a new world. I love that I have  surrounded myself with loving, supportive, kind, compassionate, funny, intelligent people.  People who care about this world.  People who care about others.  People who can make me laugh until I pee, but who are also there to hug me and hold me when I need those hugs to keep me going.  I hope I am worthy of all this love and support.  I hope I give back as much as I am so generously given. I am humbled by how much the people in my life ~ in Paris, in Canada, in Malta, in the US, in Luxembourg, and around the world, care about me.  How much they are rooting for me.

That love is sustaining me as I try to support Derek and Abby in whatever way I can.  This little girl is a fighter, she is full of love and light and courage, of little smiles, of hugs that melt your heart.  She has been fighting for so long, it's all she knows.  But her sweetness and courage inspire me.

And then there is my son. Derek has been by Abby's side every single step of the way.  He has given up everything, put up with obstacles that no human being should ever have to face as their child is battling cancer.  He is her rock.  He never complains, he just does what needs doing.  He is the most selfless person I know.  I am so damn proud of him.  Proud to be his mom.  Proud that I have raised a man who just does the right thing because it's the right thing to do. Because he just couldn't do otherwise, regardless of the cost.  Derek is my rock, my hero.  He and Abby continually show me what true love means.  What unconditional love means.  I am so grateful I am able to be here for them right now.

One day at a time.  It's always been one day at a time.  Really, it's one day at a time for everyone. We can't change the past and we can't control the future.  We can only live the life we have been given in the moment.  There's no reason for whatever happens in life.  It just happens.  The only constant is change.  All we can control is how we react to that change.  That has been my mantra for the last five years. It has helped me cope when things seemed insurmountable.  It is helping me cope now. One day at a time.

Catching up........

Wow.  No posts in 6 weeks.  No real reason.  No one reason. Just a jumble of stuff.  Kind of like this post will be.  A veritable jumble of jumping from one thing to another.  So much to say.  So hard to say it.

As always, it's the people in my life that matter most.  I am totally, amazingly blessed to have so many good, kind people in my life.  But I also realize there's a choice in there.  I choose to surround myself with those people.  People who care about other people.  People who are kind.  Who are wickedly funny.  Who care about what is happening in our world.  People who care.

So much has happened in the last 6 weeks.  One of my closest friends came to Paris for 6 weeks on sabbatical.  We spent some time in Nice together and then tried to see each other as often as possible during the time she had in Paris.  She is one of us ~ those souls who have Paris in their blood, in their head, in every fibre of their being.  Like me, a lot of that has to do with the people we know here, the social life we have here.   But it's also what the city gives to us, the beauty, the joie de vivre, the feeling that life is truly appreciated here.  She left on Sunday and I miss her already.  She knows she has a place to stay if she comes back before year end.

Giving free hugs in front of Notre Dame

reflective in Nice

Our next home in Nice

And I love her :)

Celebrating my birthday with my besties

My brother from another mother came to visit in May and stayed with me for a week ~ we talked and talked, celebrated our May birthdays, caught up, and were reminded of what is really important in life ~ having someone you can totally be yourself with, having someone who can make you laugh until you pee, having someone who loves you no matter how much you can get on their nerves sometimes. He has been there for me through the worst times in my life and celebrated with me through some of the best.  He is someone I trust unconditionally to always tell me the truth and pull no punches because I know he always has my happiness and best interest at heart.  I love him with all my heart and can't wait to see him again.

I got to live a dream of mine last weekend.  I was invited to participate in Diner en Blanc ~ it's a magical evening where everyone dresses in white and the secret location is revealed only an hour before the event.  The chosen location becomes the site of an amazing dinner party, complete with white linen, china, crystal and delicious food and wine.  This was the 30th anniversary of Diner en Blanc so it was opened up to international guests.  17,000 of us gathered on the esplanade in front of Les Invalides and shared a memorable evening, complete with a sparkling Eiffel Tower, a picture perfect sunset, live music, good friends, and a lust for life.

My Diner en Blanc outfit

My friend Joseph ~ he and his partner Richard were kind enough to invite me to this amazing event

Eiffel Tower as our backdrop

People go all out in their attire

Sun beginning to set 

It's a giant party

Perfect weather and a perfect sunset

The lights start to twinkle

The sun continues painting the sky

Enjoying with thousands of our dining companions

A dream come true

One of my favourite memories of the last few weeks was gathering in a spectacular apartment that a friend was petsitting in.  We were 6 women, all ages, all stages of life, single, divorced, married.  What we had in common was a willingness to live life, to enjoy the time we have, to experience the joy and sorrow and pain and happiness and kindness of life.  At one point, James Taylor's You've Got a Friend came on and we danced in the living room with the Eiffel Tower as our backdrop.  I'll remember that moment for the rest of my life ~ women from many parts of the world, with different stories and histories and futures, but connected by what we share ~ a lust for life, a willingness to keep going no matter what life has thrown at us, a camaraderie with each other, a  determination to not be victims, but to keep living life on our terms.

Life is truly what we make of it.  While I am living my life in Paris, Abby continues her fight. She continually reminds me that we have to make the best of the time we have here.  I try to live my life while honouring hers, the strength and courage she has.  She and my son are my personal heroes.  Whenever I feel down or sad or lonely, I look at their pictures and think of what they are going through and everything else pales in comparison.  Derek knows I am there for him and Abby unconditionally and would come home at a moment's notice if he asked me to.  Life is terribly unfair sometimes and all we can control is how we live it.  I am trying to live it in a way that reflects the gratitude I feel at all the blessings I have. 

A very good friend told me recently that when he looks at how I live my life, he feels like I am not a victim.  That I am living life in all its glory, on my terms and making the best of it.  That made me very happy because that's what I am trying to do. The past is the past.  I've let it go. I am living in the present and looking to the future. I am letting it be. :)

I also hope it gives hope to many people, that no matter what is happening around us, to the people we love, to ourselves, to our families ~ we still have a choice.  We can retreat, sit on a couch and cry, feel sorry for ourselves and give up ~ or we can rally, get out there and live, make the best of the short time we have been given,  be there for those we love, but also for ourselves.  Loving ourselves is the best way we have to love others.  If we can't love ourselves, we don't really have anything to give anyone else.  It's taken me a really long time to realize this, but it's how I'm going to try to live the rest of the time I've been given in this short life.  Love myself, love others, be kind, and do no harm.

And so Paris continues to heal me, to wrap me in her arms, to love me.  The time that I spend here, surrounded by friends, walking, drinking in the beauty, the history, the art, all of it contributes to the sheer joy that is who I am and who I strive to be.  I will leave you with a picture that made my heart sing the day I got it ~ on Mother's Day and my birthday.  It's of the 5 people on this earth that mean the most to me, that I would do anything for, that I live for and would die for.  My daughter sent me this photo, knowing what it would mean to me, despite our current differences.  It's a reminder that love always wins out, that kindness lives.  It's my inspiration to always Let It Be.