I remember landing in Paris on January 3 with the luxury of a whole year ahead of me. The possibilities were endless. I had so many plans, so much hope and anticipation. The dark, cold winter months were actually gifts that I savoured, reminders that it was all ahead of me. Although the days were short, the time was long. In a good way. My days were mostly my own as many of my friends were still away for the winter. I took long brisk walks in the cold and revelled in the peace and quiet of the empty January and February Paris streets. I enjoyed wandering the museums empty of tourists, spent many a late afternoon or evening sharing life and laughter with Roniece, and enjoyed Salon discussions and wine with friends, old and new.
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Spring brought rain and longer days and warmth. Friends came back to Paris, to live and visit, and life was more social. I felt blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life, and my days and nights revolved around lunches, aperos and dinners with some of the best friends one could ever have. There was so much laughter, and fun, and happiness. Time seemed to speed up and the days became weeks which become months and life seemed to accelerate at a pace that some days had me trying to catch my breath. My love for Paris deepened. My love for myself also deepened and I started to realize how ok that was. It was ok to put myself first and do something for myself that I had only dared dreamed about for so long. It didn't make me selfish or a bad person. It made me stronger. It made me more independent and less anxious to please everyone. It made me happy.
That new strength made it possible for me to go home in late June and be there for Derek and Abby. I went because I knew it was time for me to go and support my son and hug and cuddle my granddaughter. I'm happy I went and I know that Derek appreciated the help and just having mom there for a while. But he also encouraged me to come back to Paris and keep living this life I've made for myself. He never made me feel guilty for doing what is making me happy right now. I love him with all my heart for that. He is a good and kind person. He loves me unconditionally. What a gift that is. I'm so grateful I also got to spend lots of time with Seb and Charlie. I got to feel their love and revel in Seb's shy smiles and sweet personality and the force of nature that is Charlie. :)
I spent the last week of July in the Algarve region of Portugal with one of my oldest and dearest friends and her hubby. We laughed and talked and ate and drank and laughed and talked some more. It's amazing how you can just pick up where you left off with someone you have known most of your life, even if you haven't seen them in a while. Her hubby couldn't believe how much we talked and talked. He called us les piplettes, little birds that chatter. It was a wonderful interlude between my time in Canada and my return to Paris. I fell in love with Portugal ~ the easy rhythm of life, the (much) cheaper cost of life, the natural beauty of the small towns and little villages, the friendliness of the Portuguese people, and the blue skies and warm breezes of the mountain air.
So I'm back in Paris. It's mid August. Life is starting to pick up again, although many friends are away for summer vacations. I'm reconnecting with the wonderful people I left behind in June and I am looking forward to friends and family visiting in the fall. Time marches on. Very, very quickly. I confess to a looming panic that my year is slipping away from me. I seem to see all the things I haven't done yet rather than everything I have. The last 7 months have been amazing and I have made so many memories, deepened the friendships I've made over the years and experienced life on a level I could only have previously imagined. I know I have to live in the moment. I know I can't be wistful or sad when I still have so much joy and living ahead of me.
A very good friend recently asked me what I wanted this second half of my Paris year to be. His question led to this post because it made me stop and reflect on what I've done with my time here so far and what I haven't done.
I'll start with what I haven't done. I haven't written as much as I wanted to. I can make all the excuses I want, but the reality is I haven't done it. Part of it was because I've been busy socially. Part of it was I didn't want to revisit the pain of the past during this year I've given myself. Part of it was learning about the recurrence of Abby's cancer and dealing with the worry of her prognosis and the guilt that I wasn't there. And part of it was pure laziness and the feeling that it was ok to give myself permission to just not do very much right now after the craziness of the last four years. Hmmmm, I guess those are all the excuses I just said I wasn't going to make. 😉 But it is what it is.
What I have done is I've gotten stronger. I've let go of the past. I've forgiven and moved on. I've learned it's ok to take care of myself. I've realized I don't have to be responsible for everyone in my life and that things will work themselves out without me. I know that what other people think of me is none of my business. I've grown in ways that seemed impossible for someone who lives in her head and was constantly worried about the future and regretful of the past. I've Let It Be.
So what comes next? Probably not much different than the first half. And that's ok. It's my year and I can do or not do what I please. I will continue to spend time with the people in my life who make me happy. I'll continue to wander the little winding streets of Paris and take pictures of doors. I have several art exhibitions, concerts and shows I want to see, parks I want to relax in with a good book, lots of wine to drink over long conversations with people who make my heart sing, lots of laughter to share and memories to make. I wish I could slow down time but I can't. So I will try to make the most of each moment, each day, each person I spend time with. I hope to have no regrets at the end of the year but I probably will have a few. That's life. At least I will have dared to live my dream and make it a reality. I am grateful for that and never take it for granted. Life is for living. If there is anything I want this blog to say, it's that it's never too late to live and it's never impossible to make it happen.
Paris, je t'aime.
