Pain and Healing

Our dearest, sweetest, bravest Abby passed peacefully on September 23.  She is at peace now and is no longer suffering.

Abby's life may have been short but she brought so much meaning to all who knew her.  She brought love.  She brought courage.  She brought hope.  She brought unbelievable strength.  She showed us how to live each day to the fullest, no matter the obstacle.  She was our beautiful girl, happy and giggly regardless of what she was going through.  Her WhoWho was her constant companion and will be with her forever.  Barney gave her hours and hours of pleasure and will continue to do so.  She will be finally able to do the Baby Bop dance, with a smile on her face.

It's been three weeks since she passed and I think of her all the time.  Sometimes those thoughts bring a smile to my face and sometimes they bring a pang to my heart.  Sometimes both at the same time.  Losing someone you love is always devastating.  Losing someone so young, so innocent, who never really had a fair chance at life, is indescribable. Unfathomable. It's a parent, and grandparent's worse nightmare.  It's what we all silently, selfishly hope will never happen to us, to our family.  It's not the natural order of things for a parent to bury their child. I know I will spend my lifetime thinking of what if, of all the things Abby will miss, of all the joy we will miss by not having her in our life.

If my pain is great, I know my son's is bottomless.  Abby has been his life for over three years.  He has been by her side every step of the way, every moment of the day and night, since she was diagnosed in November 2016.  He has given up everything to be by his little girl's side, fighting for her and alongside her.  No one should ever have to see and experience what he has seen and experienced in the last 22 months.  No one.  Yet he always said the same thing whenever someone mentioned that he hadn't slept in a real bed for months on end, ate by her crib for almost two years, spent weeks and months on end in a room in a children's hospital ~ he always simply said, "She's worth it".

A grandparent's grief is twofold ~ I grieve for my darling Abby, for this little life taken away way too soon, and I grieve for my son, for the pain I can't take away, for the sorrow I know he will feel for the rest of his life and which I am powerless to prevent.  I will be there for him in any way he needs me to be and I will listen to him and hug him and love him and let him cry and vent and do whatever he needs to move forward.  But I can't lessen his pain and that puts a hole in my heart.

I can only hope that with time and love and support from his family and friends, he can slowly rebuild his life.  I know whatever direction he chooses to move toward, he will make Abby proud of him.  He will live a life worthy of his amazing daughter.  I know this because I know him.  I know what kind of man he is.  I'm so very proud to be his mom, proud of the man and father he has become. I love him with all my heart.

I'm so grateful to so many people who have been there for me during this time.  My daughter Danielle, who made sure I didn't go through this alone, who was by my side and let me cry on her shoulder, who let me stay at her place for two weeks after Abby passed so Derek could have privacy and space in my apartment. Having Charlie wake me up with a sweet little kiss every morning, chatting with Sebastian and realizing how grown up and mature he is, getting hugs and love from these two precious boys every day ~ all of it helped me make it though those anguished first days after Abby passed.  It reminded me that life goes on, that I still have so much in my life to cherish and love and look forward to.

My brother Michel who called me almost every day to make sure I was ok, who was there if I wanted to talk, to cry,  to vent.  My sister Brigitte who spent my first week back in Paris with me, who let me show her my Paris, who made what could have been a very sad time, happy and fun. Michael and Roniece who checked in on me daily via Messenger, to see how I was, to wish me courage, to ask about Derek.  So many friends at home and around the world who sent flowers, cards, who made donations to the hospice where Abby spent her last weeks, who sent food and comfort, who messaged me to tell me how this little child touched their lives, how they had followed her long journey and were grieving along with Derek and me.

I have said many times how blessed I am to have so many people in my life who love me and support me.  I was reminded of this over and over again in the last few weeks.  People are so kind and generous and good.  We need to remember this when life gets overwhelming, when the news about the world gets too depressing. There is good out there. We need to be open to it and let it into our hearts.  And we need to give it back whenever we can.  That is what will make this world a joyous place.

I know Paris will help heal me.  She has before and she will do it again. I will finish out my year in Paris, this gift that I gave myself, my long awaited dream, with a heavier heart than I began it.  But if Abby's journey taught me anything, it is that life is precious.  Life is short and it's the only one we have. So I will try to live mine in a way that honours her, that is worthy of who she was and what she meant to so many people. I will make her proud of her grandma.  I will Let It Be..................

The Second Half...............

Where, oh where, does the time go??

I remember landing in Paris on January 3 with the luxury of a whole year ahead of me.  The possibilities were endless. I had so many plans, so much hope and anticipation.  The dark, cold winter months were actually gifts that I savoured, reminders that it was all ahead of me.  Although the days were short, the time was long. In a good way.  My days were mostly my own as many of my friends were still away for the winter.  I took long brisk walks in the cold and revelled in the peace and quiet of the empty January and February Paris streets.  I enjoyed wandering the museums empty of tourists, spent many a late afternoon or evening sharing life and laughter with Roniece, and enjoyed Salon discussions and wine with friends, old and new.

Spring brought rain and longer days and warmth.  Friends came back to Paris, to live and visit,  and life was more social.  I felt blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life, and my days and nights revolved around lunches, aperos and dinners with some of the best friends one could ever have. There was so much laughter, and fun, and happiness. Time seemed to speed up and the days became weeks which become months and life seemed to accelerate at a pace that some days had me trying to catch my breath.  My love for Paris deepened.  My love for myself also deepened and I started to realize how ok that was.  It was ok to put myself first and do something for myself that I had only dared dreamed about for so long.  It didn't make me selfish or a bad person.  It made me stronger. It made me more independent and less anxious to please everyone.  It made me happy.

That new strength made it possible for me to go home in late June and be there for Derek and Abby.  I went because I knew it was time for me to go and support my son and hug and cuddle my granddaughter.  I'm happy I went and I know that Derek appreciated the help and just having mom there for a while.  But he also encouraged me to come back to Paris and keep living this life I've made for myself.  He never made me feel guilty for doing what is making me happy right now.  I love him with all my heart for that.  He is a good and kind person.  He loves me unconditionally.  What a gift that is.  I'm so grateful I also got to spend lots of time with Seb and Charlie. I got to feel their love and revel in Seb's shy smiles and sweet personality and the force of nature that is Charlie. :)

I spent the last week of July in the Algarve region of Portugal with one of my oldest and dearest friends and her hubby.  We laughed and talked and ate and drank and laughed and talked some more.  It's amazing how you can just pick up where you left off with someone you have known most of your life, even if you haven't seen them in a while.  Her hubby couldn't believe  how much we talked and talked.  He called us les piplettes, little birds that chatter.  It was a wonderful interlude between my time in Canada and my return to Paris.  I fell in love with Portugal ~  the easy rhythm of life, the (much) cheaper cost of life, the natural beauty of the small towns and little villages, the friendliness of the Portuguese people, and the blue skies and warm breezes of the mountain air.

So I'm back in Paris.  It's mid August.  Life is starting to pick up again, although many friends are away for summer vacations.  I'm reconnecting with the wonderful people I left behind in June and I am looking forward to friends and family visiting in the fall. Time marches on. Very, very quickly.  I confess to a looming panic that my year is slipping away from me.  I seem to see all the things I haven't done yet rather than everything I have.  The last 7 months have been amazing and I have made so many memories, deepened the friendships I've made over the years and experienced life on a level I could only have previously imagined.  I know I have to live in the moment.  I know I can't be wistful or sad when I still have so much joy and living ahead of me.

A very good friend recently asked me what I wanted this second half of my Paris year to be. His question led to this post because it made me stop and reflect on what I've done with my time here so far and what I haven't done.

I'll start with what I haven't done.  I haven't written as much as I wanted to.  I can make all the excuses I want, but the reality is I haven't done it.  Part of it was because I've been busy socially.  Part of it was I didn't want to revisit the pain of the past during this year I've given myself.  Part of it was learning about the recurrence of Abby's cancer and dealing with the worry of her prognosis and the guilt that I wasn't there. And part of it was pure laziness and the feeling that it was ok to give myself permission to just not do very much right now after the craziness of the last four years.  Hmmmm, I guess those are all the excuses I just said I wasn't going to make. 😉  But it is what it is.

What I have done is I've gotten stronger.  I've let go of the past.  I've forgiven and moved on.  I've learned it's ok to take care of myself.  I've realized I don't have to be responsible for everyone in my life and that things will work themselves out without me. I know that what other people think of me is none of my business.  I've grown in ways that seemed impossible for someone who lives in her head and was constantly worried about the future and regretful of the past.  I've Let It Be.

So what comes next?  Probably not much different than the first half.  And that's ok.  It's my year and I can do or not do what I please.  I will continue to spend time with the people in my life who make me happy.  I'll continue to wander the little winding streets of Paris and take pictures of doors.  I have  several art exhibitions, concerts and shows I want to see, parks I want to relax in with a good book, lots of wine to drink over long conversations with people who make my heart sing, lots of laughter to share and memories to make.  I wish I could slow down time but I can't.  So I will try to make the most of each moment, each day, each person I spend time with.  I hope to have no regrets at the end of the year but I probably will have a few.  That's life.  At least I will have dared to live my dream and make it a reality.  I am grateful for that and never take it for granted.  Life is for living.  If there is anything I want this blog to say, it's that it's never too late to live and it's never impossible to make it happen.

Paris, je t'aime.  

The people in my life.........

As most of you know, I am back home in Canada. I came home last Friday to support Derek and Abby as she continues her cancer treatments.  It was time to come home and be mom and grandma for a little while.  My son has been carrying the load by himself for far too long. I hope to be able to ease that load a little while I'm here.  My heart told me it was time to come so I followed my heart.

Before I left, some amazing people in my life decided to reach out to my friends and family to raise money to help with my expenses.  To say I was overwhelmed with this generosity is a huge understatement.  I have said many, many times that I am so blessed to have so many good people in my life.  These are the people who stood by me every step of the way as my life collapsed around me almost five years ago.  Who believed in me as I slowly, painstakingly rebuilt it, one day and one dream at a time.  Who were there for me when I was consumed by rage and anger and sadness and despair.  Who helped me see that life was still worth living, that it could be better than ever, that I could be happier and more content than I had ever been.

They were right.  My life is my own now.  And I love that life.  I love that I am a strong, independent woman, living my dream in Paris.  I love that I could lift myself up, dust myself off and will my way into a new world. I love that I have  surrounded myself with loving, supportive, kind, compassionate, funny, intelligent people.  People who care about this world.  People who care about others.  People who can make me laugh until I pee, but who are also there to hug me and hold me when I need those hugs to keep me going.  I hope I am worthy of all this love and support.  I hope I give back as much as I am so generously given. I am humbled by how much the people in my life ~ in Paris, in Canada, in Malta, in the US, in Luxembourg, and around the world, care about me.  How much they are rooting for me.

That love is sustaining me as I try to support Derek and Abby in whatever way I can.  This little girl is a fighter, she is full of love and light and courage, of little smiles, of hugs that melt your heart.  She has been fighting for so long, it's all she knows.  But her sweetness and courage inspire me.

And then there is my son. Derek has been by Abby's side every single step of the way.  He has given up everything, put up with obstacles that no human being should ever have to face as their child is battling cancer.  He is her rock.  He never complains, he just does what needs doing.  He is the most selfless person I know.  I am so damn proud of him.  Proud to be his mom.  Proud that I have raised a man who just does the right thing because it's the right thing to do. Because he just couldn't do otherwise, regardless of the cost.  Derek is my rock, my hero.  He and Abby continually show me what true love means.  What unconditional love means.  I am so grateful I am able to be here for them right now.

One day at a time.  It's always been one day at a time.  Really, it's one day at a time for everyone. We can't change the past and we can't control the future.  We can only live the life we have been given in the moment.  There's no reason for whatever happens in life.  It just happens.  The only constant is change.  All we can control is how we react to that change.  That has been my mantra for the last five years. It has helped me cope when things seemed insurmountable.  It is helping me cope now. One day at a time.

Catching up........

Wow.  No posts in 6 weeks.  No real reason.  No one reason. Just a jumble of stuff.  Kind of like this post will be.  A veritable jumble of jumping from one thing to another.  So much to say.  So hard to say it.

As always, it's the people in my life that matter most.  I am totally, amazingly blessed to have so many good, kind people in my life.  But I also realize there's a choice in there.  I choose to surround myself with those people.  People who care about other people.  People who are kind.  Who are wickedly funny.  Who care about what is happening in our world.  People who care.

So much has happened in the last 6 weeks.  One of my closest friends came to Paris for 6 weeks on sabbatical.  We spent some time in Nice together and then tried to see each other as often as possible during the time she had in Paris.  She is one of us ~ those souls who have Paris in their blood, in their head, in every fibre of their being.  Like me, a lot of that has to do with the people we know here, the social life we have here.   But it's also what the city gives to us, the beauty, the joie de vivre, the feeling that life is truly appreciated here.  She left on Sunday and I miss her already.  She knows she has a place to stay if she comes back before year end.

Giving free hugs in front of Notre Dame

reflective in Nice

Our next home in Nice

And I love her :)

Celebrating my birthday with my besties

My brother from another mother came to visit in May and stayed with me for a week ~ we talked and talked, celebrated our May birthdays, caught up, and were reminded of what is really important in life ~ having someone you can totally be yourself with, having someone who can make you laugh until you pee, having someone who loves you no matter how much you can get on their nerves sometimes. He has been there for me through the worst times in my life and celebrated with me through some of the best.  He is someone I trust unconditionally to always tell me the truth and pull no punches because I know he always has my happiness and best interest at heart.  I love him with all my heart and can't wait to see him again.

I got to live a dream of mine last weekend.  I was invited to participate in Diner en Blanc ~ it's a magical evening where everyone dresses in white and the secret location is revealed only an hour before the event.  The chosen location becomes the site of an amazing dinner party, complete with white linen, china, crystal and delicious food and wine.  This was the 30th anniversary of Diner en Blanc so it was opened up to international guests.  17,000 of us gathered on the esplanade in front of Les Invalides and shared a memorable evening, complete with a sparkling Eiffel Tower, a picture perfect sunset, live music, good friends, and a lust for life.

My Diner en Blanc outfit

My friend Joseph ~ he and his partner Richard were kind enough to invite me to this amazing event

Eiffel Tower as our backdrop

People go all out in their attire

Sun beginning to set 

It's a giant party

Perfect weather and a perfect sunset

The lights start to twinkle

The sun continues painting the sky

Enjoying with thousands of our dining companions

A dream come true

One of my favourite memories of the last few weeks was gathering in a spectacular apartment that a friend was petsitting in.  We were 6 women, all ages, all stages of life, single, divorced, married.  What we had in common was a willingness to live life, to enjoy the time we have, to experience the joy and sorrow and pain and happiness and kindness of life.  At one point, James Taylor's You've Got a Friend came on and we danced in the living room with the Eiffel Tower as our backdrop.  I'll remember that moment for the rest of my life ~ women from many parts of the world, with different stories and histories and futures, but connected by what we share ~ a lust for life, a willingness to keep going no matter what life has thrown at us, a camaraderie with each other, a  determination to not be victims, but to keep living life on our terms.

Life is truly what we make of it.  While I am living my life in Paris, Abby continues her fight. She continually reminds me that we have to make the best of the time we have here.  I try to live my life while honouring hers, the strength and courage she has.  She and my son are my personal heroes.  Whenever I feel down or sad or lonely, I look at their pictures and think of what they are going through and everything else pales in comparison.  Derek knows I am there for him and Abby unconditionally and would come home at a moment's notice if he asked me to.  Life is terribly unfair sometimes and all we can control is how we live it.  I am trying to live it in a way that reflects the gratitude I feel at all the blessings I have. 

A very good friend told me recently that when he looks at how I live my life, he feels like I am not a victim.  That I am living life in all its glory, on my terms and making the best of it.  That made me very happy because that's what I am trying to do. The past is the past.  I've let it go. I am living in the present and looking to the future. I am letting it be. :)

I also hope it gives hope to many people, that no matter what is happening around us, to the people we love, to ourselves, to our families ~ we still have a choice.  We can retreat, sit on a couch and cry, feel sorry for ourselves and give up ~ or we can rally, get out there and live, make the best of the short time we have been given,  be there for those we love, but also for ourselves.  Loving ourselves is the best way we have to love others.  If we can't love ourselves, we don't really have anything to give anyone else.  It's taken me a really long time to realize this, but it's how I'm going to try to live the rest of the time I've been given in this short life.  Love myself, love others, be kind, and do no harm.

And so Paris continues to heal me, to wrap me in her arms, to love me.  The time that I spend here, surrounded by friends, walking, drinking in the beauty, the history, the art, all of it contributes to the sheer joy that is who I am and who I strive to be.  I will leave you with a picture that made my heart sing the day I got it ~ on Mother's Day and my birthday.  It's of the 5 people on this earth that mean the most to me, that I would do anything for, that I live for and would die for.  My daughter sent me this photo, knowing what it would mean to me, despite our current differences.  It's a reminder that love always wins out, that kindness lives.  It's my inspiration to always Let It Be.