The Second Half...............

Where, oh where, does the time go??

I remember landing in Paris on January 3 with the luxury of a whole year ahead of me.  The possibilities were endless. I had so many plans, so much hope and anticipation.  The dark, cold winter months were actually gifts that I savoured, reminders that it was all ahead of me.  Although the days were short, the time was long. In a good way.  My days were mostly my own as many of my friends were still away for the winter.  I took long brisk walks in the cold and revelled in the peace and quiet of the empty January and February Paris streets.  I enjoyed wandering the museums empty of tourists, spent many a late afternoon or evening sharing life and laughter with Roniece, and enjoyed Salon discussions and wine with friends, old and new.

Spring brought rain and longer days and warmth.  Friends came back to Paris, to live and visit,  and life was more social.  I felt blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life, and my days and nights revolved around lunches, aperos and dinners with some of the best friends one could ever have. There was so much laughter, and fun, and happiness. Time seemed to speed up and the days became weeks which become months and life seemed to accelerate at a pace that some days had me trying to catch my breath.  My love for Paris deepened.  My love for myself also deepened and I started to realize how ok that was.  It was ok to put myself first and do something for myself that I had only dared dreamed about for so long.  It didn't make me selfish or a bad person.  It made me stronger. It made me more independent and less anxious to please everyone.  It made me happy.

That new strength made it possible for me to go home in late June and be there for Derek and Abby.  I went because I knew it was time for me to go and support my son and hug and cuddle my granddaughter.  I'm happy I went and I know that Derek appreciated the help and just having mom there for a while.  But he also encouraged me to come back to Paris and keep living this life I've made for myself.  He never made me feel guilty for doing what is making me happy right now.  I love him with all my heart for that.  He is a good and kind person.  He loves me unconditionally.  What a gift that is.  I'm so grateful I also got to spend lots of time with Seb and Charlie. I got to feel their love and revel in Seb's shy smiles and sweet personality and the force of nature that is Charlie. :)

I spent the last week of July in the Algarve region of Portugal with one of my oldest and dearest friends and her hubby.  We laughed and talked and ate and drank and laughed and talked some more.  It's amazing how you can just pick up where you left off with someone you have known most of your life, even if you haven't seen them in a while.  Her hubby couldn't believe  how much we talked and talked.  He called us les piplettes, little birds that chatter.  It was a wonderful interlude between my time in Canada and my return to Paris.  I fell in love with Portugal ~  the easy rhythm of life, the (much) cheaper cost of life, the natural beauty of the small towns and little villages, the friendliness of the Portuguese people, and the blue skies and warm breezes of the mountain air.

So I'm back in Paris.  It's mid August.  Life is starting to pick up again, although many friends are away for summer vacations.  I'm reconnecting with the wonderful people I left behind in June and I am looking forward to friends and family visiting in the fall. Time marches on. Very, very quickly.  I confess to a looming panic that my year is slipping away from me.  I seem to see all the things I haven't done yet rather than everything I have.  The last 7 months have been amazing and I have made so many memories, deepened the friendships I've made over the years and experienced life on a level I could only have previously imagined.  I know I have to live in the moment.  I know I can't be wistful or sad when I still have so much joy and living ahead of me.

A very good friend recently asked me what I wanted this second half of my Paris year to be. His question led to this post because it made me stop and reflect on what I've done with my time here so far and what I haven't done.

I'll start with what I haven't done.  I haven't written as much as I wanted to.  I can make all the excuses I want, but the reality is I haven't done it.  Part of it was because I've been busy socially.  Part of it was I didn't want to revisit the pain of the past during this year I've given myself.  Part of it was learning about the recurrence of Abby's cancer and dealing with the worry of her prognosis and the guilt that I wasn't there. And part of it was pure laziness and the feeling that it was ok to give myself permission to just not do very much right now after the craziness of the last four years.  Hmmmm, I guess those are all the excuses I just said I wasn't going to make. 😉  But it is what it is.

What I have done is I've gotten stronger.  I've let go of the past.  I've forgiven and moved on.  I've learned it's ok to take care of myself.  I've realized I don't have to be responsible for everyone in my life and that things will work themselves out without me. I know that what other people think of me is none of my business.  I've grown in ways that seemed impossible for someone who lives in her head and was constantly worried about the future and regretful of the past.  I've Let It Be.

So what comes next?  Probably not much different than the first half.  And that's ok.  It's my year and I can do or not do what I please.  I will continue to spend time with the people in my life who make me happy.  I'll continue to wander the little winding streets of Paris and take pictures of doors.  I have  several art exhibitions, concerts and shows I want to see, parks I want to relax in with a good book, lots of wine to drink over long conversations with people who make my heart sing, lots of laughter to share and memories to make.  I wish I could slow down time but I can't.  So I will try to make the most of each moment, each day, each person I spend time with.  I hope to have no regrets at the end of the year but I probably will have a few.  That's life.  At least I will have dared to live my dream and make it a reality.  I am grateful for that and never take it for granted.  Life is for living.  If there is anything I want this blog to say, it's that it's never too late to live and it's never impossible to make it happen.

Paris, je t'aime.  

It's Later Than You Think..............

Things that have made me happy the last few days ~

Le Salon  ~ every Wednesday, a group of us gather at a little brasserie on Ile St Louis in the late afternoon to share a drink and talk about whatever strikes our fancy.  Sometimes 10 people show up, sometimes 2.  Regardless, it's a way to connect to friends who are either living here or who are passing through on vacation.  We usually end up laughing until we snort (well, I do ;) ). But we also have these wonderful discussions about politics, religion, the orange monster in the US, what's going on in our world (both personally and the one we all live in).  It's something I look forward to every week.  I'm not always able to make it, but every time I go, I leave feeling happy and so blessed to know so many people who love Paris the way I do and who are exactly the kind of people I want to surround myself with ~ kind, compassionate, intelligent, witty and funny as hell.  Last week's Salon was no different ~ there were only 4 of us (the frigid February weather might have had something to do with that) but we chatted and drank and laughed for a few hours. #goodformysoul :)

Sharing meals with friends ~ whether it was delicious homemade dumplings at a tiny place in the upper Marais, a perfect French classic meal at a perfect Parisian bistro in the 6th or a homemade meal in a sumptuous apartment in the 7th with the Eiffel Tower as a backdrop, it wasn't the food that gave me joy ~ it was the people I shared that food with. So much of the pleasure I derive from being in Paris is the time I spend with friends.  These friends feed my soul, they keep me grounded, they remind me of why I took the biggest chance I've ever taken in my life and came to Paris for a year.  They make me laugh, they sympathize, they listen and they share.  They do what friends do ~ they are there for you, in good times and in bad.  They make me realize how much I have to be grateful for and remind me to never take anything for granted.  

Sharing a drink on a rainy Monday evening 

Dumplings!!

sun setting behind the Iron Lady

my view as I enjoyed dinner with two cherished friends

Meeting new people ~ I finally met a longtime Facebook friend on Wednesday and although we didn't have a long time as we both had to be somewhere else within the hour, it was one of those times where you just click.  It felt like we had known each other for years and the conversation just flowed so easily.  After our goodbye hugs, I walked from the 5th to Le Salon on Ile St Louis and this was my view:

This was one of those moments of pure joy ~ going from one friend to join others, the sun was shining and reflecting off the Seine, the blue sky filled the space around Notre Dame, and all was right with my world.  At that moment, I was exactly where I needed to be and doing exactly what I wanted to be doing. 

On Sunday, I joined 4 friends and we took the train to Provins, a medieval town about 80 kilometres South-East of Paris.  As an aside, my monthly Navigo pass includes Zones 1-5 and so I was able to take this journey for free.  No advance tickets needed, just show up at Gare de l'Est, trains depart and return hourly. Oh how I love my Navigo, let me count the ways lol.

Although it was brutally cold and windy, it was also one of those cloudless sunny days which yielded an amazing blue sky perfect for taking photos.  I was dressed warmly in my NorthFace down coat and Bogs boots, and added a hat, scarf and gloves to ensure I could walk in the frigid temperatures for hours.  And we did.  We stopped for a 2 hour lunch (2 hours because the service was sweetly very slow, but we didn't care because we were warm, drinking wine and making new memories with wonderful friends. :). We spent the rest of the time wandering this way and that, enjoying the views, laughing and getting to know each other better and just having the time of our lives.  The afternoon flew back and soon it was time to get the (free!!!) train back to Paris.  I had a date (!) and needed to ready myself (as much as a 57 year old grandmother can ready herself lol).  This day was just another example of the joy I get from being here ~ of course for the pleasure of being in a Unesco designated destination, but mostly for being able to share this time with friends and build common memories ~ and laugh.  OMG, did we laugh ~ on the train there and back, walking around frozen to the core (with memorable descriptions of how the cold was affecting our various body parts), at lunch despite (maybe because of) the sweet, very slow service (and non-Parisian prices!!) and just walking around, not really caring where we were going, just enjoying the moment and the people we were with.  A truly wonderful day and I will be going back to Provins when it's a little less cold. (My cheap Canadian ass is already looking at where else I can go for free with my Navigo ~ Versailles is on the radar.  Well, I almost made it there last week but the RER had other plans, so my friend and I just ended up back in Paris, eating and drinking wine.  Ah, how we suffer ;) )

just a little 1000 year old church.  That's all

Honestly, could that sky be any bluer!!!

Provins town square

the medieval fortifications that surround the old part of town

On a more personal note, it was a happy and sad week.  Not going to share more than that, but it is what it is.  Life is change.  Things happen to  bring you joy and things also happen to remind you that life happens when you are making plans.  We can't control anything that happens.  All we can control is how we react to those changes and try to live this short but amazing life we have been given.  We try to be there for the people we love in the best way we can.  I try to remember that I'm not responsible for everything that happens and that even if I was somewhere else, those things would still happen.  I have no control over any of that.  The only thing I can control is my reaction and to ensure that those I love know I love them and would do anything for them.  Besides that, I get to live my life the way I need to, at this moment.  Nothing is forever, and this time in Paris isn't forever either.  But it's here and it's now.  It's what I needed to be able to do to soothe my soul and be able to move forward with no regrets. A good friend constantly reminds me that "It's Later than You Think" ~ so live your life, here and now.  It's all part of Letting It Be :). I'll leave you all with a few more moments that gave me joy and happiness this week: 

a sliver of moon in the amazing blue sky of dusk

29 Avenue Rapp ~ an amazing Art Deco building that has to be seen to be believed

I took a walk through the back streets of Montmartre yesterday despite the cold ~ I was rewarded by this view that brought me to tears and reminded me I am where I need to be at this moment

A random little door that gave me joy

I just loved the cobweb peephole and the owl door handle

yes, it does :)