Thursday 18 January 2018

It is all about me........

I've been in Paris for a full two weeks now.  Like anything that you look forward to for a very long time, the reality doesn't always meet the expectations.  For me right now, that has to do more with people than actually being in Paris.  I've visited Paris so many times, I feel completely at home every time I'm here.  This time is no exception.  I know the metro and bus system very well.   I know my way around many different arrondissements and I can usually find where I'm going with no problem.

I'm still in awe that I made this dream a reality.  I'm still pinching myself that I have the luxury of a whole year to explore and indulge and discover.  So this post isn't about being disappointed with Paris. On the contrary ~ I'm more in love with this city than ever and I am sure I've made the right decision for myself.

No, this post is about feelings.  Feelings about people.  People I love dearly.  People who I know love me.  It's about how those feelings affect me and thus are affecting my time here so far.

It's really hard when you know someone very close to you doesn't approve of what you are doing.  When they decide to withhold not only their support, but also their love.  I wish I was strong enough to not let it bother me.  I know I'm doing what I have to do, what my heart and soul are telling me to.  I also have the support of so many people in my life, both at home and here in my adopted city.  These people have sustained me right from the start and have believed in me and have encouraged me to fulfill my dream.  But it's often the approval you don't get that matters the most.  That nags at you and lessens your excitement and happiness.  I wish this wasn't true.  I'm trying to fight it as much as I can.  The days are usually good.  I'm busy ~  I have friends to meet, walks to take, phone plans to set up, etc.  I have enough things to keep my mind occupied and they all bring me joy.  But sometimes when I go to bed at night, the doubts and the hurt are there, just lurking.  I wonder if I've damaged a relationship that means the world to me for the sake of making myself happy.  I have to make myself remember that I have the right to live my life.  I've lived it for other people for a very long time.  It's my turn now.  I shouldn't feel guilty about that.  And I don't, really.   But.  But.  I hate that what has made me so happy is hurting someone close to me.  I wish I knew how to make it better.  But I don't, short of coming home.  And I'm not going to do that.  I've worked too long and too hard to get this far.  I'm not turning back now.  I can't.  So I hope that one of two things will happen.  Either I figure out how to not let it bother me or the person involved realizes that my time in Paris doesn't lessen my love for that person or anyone else involved.  One thing has nothing to do with the other.

There's also the hurt when someone you thought cared for you doesn't quite get you.  I have a close friend who told me recently that my blog was "all about you".  Well yes, it is.  It is all about me.  I've never pretended otherwise.  This blog is like my personal journal, but I'm also sharing it with friends and family.   But the blog is intensely personal.  It's not going to be a travelogue on Paris and where I went today and what I ate.  There will be some of that. Because I have an intense need to share that crap ;).  But the blog is about my journey.  From a totally broken person four years ago who didn't think she would ever be able to not be in intense pain to someone who is daring to dream, daring to fly, daring to make "it" happen, whatever "it" happens to be.  I hope that sharing who I am, how I got here and what happens next will maybe help someone one day who doesn't think they can survive.  Who doesn't believe they can thrive after their world gets torn apart.  You can.  I'm proof.  So yes, this blog is all about me.  But it's also about this city that has healed me, that has made me believe I could be another person, a happier, more content version of myself.  So there will be lots of posts about what I'm doing and what I'm eating and what I'm seeing.   But there will also be posts about what I'm feeling. About who I am.  Who I was.  Why I like the person I am in Paris.

So Paris two weeks in is very good.  But it's also a little sad.  And I guess that is real life.  It's never all good or all bad.  It's a mixture and it's confusing and it's great and it's not.  But it's life.  It is what it is :)

I hope I'm not coming off as whiny or bitchy.  I'm so grateful to be here and I never take it for granted. I'm also extremely lucky to have almost everyone in my life, both here in Paris and back home, give me unconditional love and support.  This is what sustains me and gives me the courage to be here.  By myself.  In the city I love.  For a year.

I promise my next post will be about Paris.  And what I'm doing. In the meantime, here are some photos to show I'm not just sitting at home brooding.  I am having the time of my life.













Wednesday 10 January 2018

Paris stirs my soul...........

Hard to believe it's been a week since I landed in Paris on January 3rd.  My first days were a whirlwind of activity ~ settling into my apartment, shopping for grocery basics, catching up with friends, touring my new 'hood and just getting my bearings.

It hasn't really sunk in that I'm here for a year.  I'm still on vacation mode.  Since I've been to Paris so many times, for weeks at a time, it still feels like the same kind of routine.  Drinking and eating with friends. Hitting the G20 supermarket a few doors up from my place for food and wine.  Meeting Roniece at LPC. Charging up my Navigo for the month and figuring out which buses go where and what metro stops get me closest to where I want to be.

But sometimes,  out of the blue, it will hit me that I don't have to pack it all in in 15 days this time.  I can stay in my pjs drinking coffee and listening to music until 2pm if I want.  I can go sit in the cafe next door and nurse an espresso for an hour, listening to the soft jazz in the background and not worry I should be doing more than just exactly that.  Roniece and I can have a dinner that becomes a sleepover than becomes a jammy day until 4pm the next day.  I can sit with friends for 6 hours, sipping wine and calling dibs on the cute men that wander by the big windows of LPC. I can do all these things because I have the luxury of time.  For the first time in my life, I am not on someone else's clock. I have no responsibilities except to myself.  To the woman in me who just wants to see what it's like to be herself.  To like herself.  To please herself.

I thought it would be hard for me to let go of taking care of everyone else.  I've done it for so long, it's just who I am.  But amazingly enough, being a lazy bitch seems to be coming easier than I thought.  I'm slowly finding a rhythm of my own.  It's still very early days and I know my days will change and take on some kind of structure, but I am enjoying not having to do anything, not having to be anywhere, going at my own pace.

Yesterday was a day that reminded me why I love Paris so much.  Initially I was to meet a friend for lunch but he had to cancel due to a migraine.  So I decided to attend a lecture on War Brides in WWI and WWII I had read about online.  I made my way to the 3rd arrondissement where the cafe was located a few hours before the lecture was scheduled to start.  I love the haut Marais and its little windy streets full of shops.  I dressed warmly in my Canadian down coat so I could withstand the rainy gloomy temperature.  It's very different to wander around in winter.  The streets are not teeming with tourists and you can find a place to sit anywhere you want to.  I took some photos of places I had seen in spring or fall but that looked very different with the bare trees revealing more of what lay behind the leaves usually there.






I was getting a little peckish after about 2 hours of strolling so I went in search of a tiny place I had seen in October when I was in this area with my friends.  I pushed open the wooden door to Le Troisième Cafe and entered a small place with maybe 6 tables and a little bar with about 4 stools.  I ordered the soup and a glass of wine and sat myself down, pushing my huge coat in a corner where it wouldn't hamper the other patrons.  Within minutes of sitting down, I was talking with people on either side of me.  From one, I learned that the cafe is actually a non-profit co-op.  Through their small 5 euro membership fee and their volunteers, they have created a little place where people in the quartier can come for an inexpensive meal or drink, chat with friends, and share in some activities.  Any tips go towards paying it forward for food or drink to someone who can't pay for themselves and they also organize outings where they bring food to the homeless in the area.  I really liked this place and I want to make it a regular place to go, although it's not really that close to me.  I will think about volunteering and joining in some of the activities.  I know that I have an advantage because I can speak French.  One of the promises I made to myself was to try to meet more French people while I'm here.  I love all my expat friends but I also want to see if I can integrate a little more into French culture.

Warmed by my soup and wine and the welcome I was given, I walked quickly to the Cafe de la Marie on rue de Bretagne where the lecture was to take place.  The lecture is a series organized by Adrian Leeds called Apres Midi which takes place the second Wednesday of every month.  It's free (!) and it's a wonderful way to spend an afternoon listening to someone from the community speak about different subjects.  Hilary Kaiser, a historian who has spent over 40 years in Paris, gave a fascinating talk about the trials and tribulations of the women who married American soldiers during WWI and WWII.  She specializes in oral histories and has spent much of her career talking with and preserving the memories of the men and women who lived through the war in France. The upstairs room at the cafe was full and we spent 2 hours learning about the difficulties these women endured and the logistics of getting them to America once the wars ended.  I love history and I hope to be able to indulge that love this year by attending events such as this or auditing History or Art History courses either at museums or universities.

After the lecture, I decided to walk down to the Seine. I was toying with attending a reading by an author at Shakespeare and Company across the river in the 5ieme arrondissement. I wandered slowly down rue des Archives, into the BHV to warm up and then across rue de Rivoli to the beautifully grand building that is the Hotel de Ville of Paris.  As I was getting ready to take some photos, I noticed there was a free exhibit on Che Guevara.  I spent about an hour exploring the influences of this man who become a legend of Cuban history.  I found it interesting and well worth the time to visit.

I then crossed over to Ile La Cite and was happy to see that the Christmas tree in front of Notre Dame was still up.  The church bells began to peal just as I approached and I spent a joyful moment drinking up the beauty that is Paris.
















I arrived for the reading at Shakespeare and Company about 40 minutes before the start.  The small space was already beginning to fill up and most of the seats were reserved for students and faculty of New York University where the author Nathan Englander teaches. I managed to snag a chair and since I was sitting right in front of the Philosophy section, read a little Bertrand Russell while I waited.  I had not heard of this author and had no idea what his book was about.  I decided to come in part because I had been in the Marais in the afternoon and wanted to wander down to the Seine since I was in the area.  Since the bookstore is just across the river from Notre Dame, it was an easy stroll and took me past favourites I wanted to say bonjour to.  

Nathan Englander captured my attention and imagination from his first words.  He spoke so passionately about the enduring quest for peace in the Middle East.  His anguish over the disappearance of empathy in the US with the current administration.  His belief that if South Africa could overcome apartheid peacefully in our lifetime, that anything is possible.  He spoke about his commitment to writing, to the truth of his characters and their situations, to the need to research properly so as to tell a convincing story.  Most of all, he spoke about the need to be a good human being. He blew me away.  At one point, my eyes were full of tears and I was afraid to blink so I didn't look like some deranged middle aged woman crying at a book reading.  What made me weep was the feeling that I was home.  That it was perfectly normal for people to be sitting and listening to ideas, to an intelligent man speaking to other intelligent people, to discuss what is happening in our world.  

I took the bus home and was back in my cozy apartment having soup and wine within the hour.  I thought about all I had done with my day and just had this sense that I was doing exactly what I needed to be doing. I was exactly where I needed to be.  I know it's  very early in my year.  I know it won't all be perfect moments.  There will be loneliness.  There will be shit that happens.  That's inevitable.  A year here is still a year somewhere.  There will be good and bad.  But yesterday was good.  It was very, very good.  It exemplfied why I left everything I know and came to Paris for a year.  It's the reason I will continue to Let It Be.............. 

Monday 1 January 2018

new beginnings.............and goodbyes...............

The bags are packed.  The goodbyes have mostly been made. There have been hugs, tears, kisses, love, and promises given and received. My mind is ready to go  ~ I've checked my lists and my luggage over and over again.  I've made sure I have my passport, my euros, the keys to my apartment in Paris, my paperwork, etc, etc, etc.  It's what happens when you are an anal over planner ~ the what ifs and maybes take over your head and taunt you with everything that can go wrong,  that last minute item you forgot to pack, the coffee pot you forgot to turn off.

So my mind is ready to go.  But my heart.......my heart is sad.  Yes I'm excited beyond belief.  I've been planning this move for two years and dreaming about it for much longer.  But the process of saying goodbye to people you love is heart wrenching.  Saturday night, I cuddled Abby as she slept peacefully in my arms.  I snuggled with Charlie on the couch.  Seb and I watched an old episode of The Office and I told him how proud I was of the man he is becoming and how much I would miss him.  14 year olds are not much into hugging and kissing their grandmas but I snuck some in anyways.

The thought of not seeing these three children who are part of every fibre of my being for almost a year tears my heart.  I know I will talk to them on Skype and FaceTime and we will text on Facebook and WhatsApp.  But I won't be able to feel Abby softly breathing as she gently slumbers in my arms. I won't be able to lay down with Charlie and whisper with him as he drifts off to sleep.  I won't be able to hear Seb's sarcastic witty comments and see the same half smile he has made since he was a baby whenever he is happy or excited.  I know I will be missing moments, birthdays, vacations and more.  That is the price I pay for forging ahead with my dream.  It's ok to feel like this and still go.  It's ok to love my kids and my grandkids with my every breath, but also love myself enough to go see what is out there and live my life.  It's ok, but I can't say it's not hard.  So today I am allowing that sadness to mix with the pure joy and excitement that awaits me on January 3rd.  Life is like that.  It's possible to feel sadness and happiness at the same time. And to open yourself to both those feelings.  It is what it is.

I've spent the last few weeks having drinks and meals with friends.  It astounds me how much love and support and kindness has been shown to me.  It touches me tremendously to know that my friends are really happy for me, that they are excited that I am embarking on this adventure.  They have told me that I'm brave and courageous and strong.  Maybe I am.  But I couldn't have gotten to this point without all the people in my life.  Those who listened to me cry and rant over and over again.  Those who held me in their arms and told me I could remake my life.  Those that believed  there was a better life for me out there and encouraged me to keep moving forward. You all shared in the making of this dream.  I hold you all in my heart and I am bringing you all to Paris with me.

I'm spending the last few days before I leave with my family in Montreal.  I'm basking in their embrace, drinking in the moments together, laughing and reminiscing.  We are making plans for some of them to come visit me in Paris and I am excited to show them the city I love and see it through their eyes.  My family has been there for me relentlessly in the last 4 years and they are there for me now.  I know they will miss me as I will miss them, but they are still letting me go because they know what this year means to me.  That is true, selfless love and that is what I have always had from my sister and brothers, their spouses and my mom.  Family is everything and we have shown this to each other over a lifetime of joys, sorrows, laughter, pain, illnesses, and celebrations.

And then there are the two people I've given life to.  My daughter Danielle and my son Derek.  They are two very different people but they are both strong, courageous, compassionate, intelligent, kind, witty, generous and sweet.  They have both overcome tremendous challenges and come out stronger on the other side.  I'm so proud of the people they have become and of their strengths as parents who are raising their own children.  They are part of my soul and their unconditional love and support have sustained me and helped ensured I am able to take this voyage into the great unknown.  They are the best thing I've ever done in my life.   They are a part of me and I know I am a part of them.

Tomorrow is a new beginning. 2018 will be a year of new possibilities and discoveries, mostly of who I really am and what I really want.  I'm just going to let it be and see what happens..........