It's Later Than You Think..............

Things that have made me happy the last few days ~

Le Salon  ~ every Wednesday, a group of us gather at a little brasserie on Ile St Louis in the late afternoon to share a drink and talk about whatever strikes our fancy.  Sometimes 10 people show up, sometimes 2.  Regardless, it's a way to connect to friends who are either living here or who are passing through on vacation.  We usually end up laughing until we snort (well, I do ;) ). But we also have these wonderful discussions about politics, religion, the orange monster in the US, what's going on in our world (both personally and the one we all live in).  It's something I look forward to every week.  I'm not always able to make it, but every time I go, I leave feeling happy and so blessed to know so many people who love Paris the way I do and who are exactly the kind of people I want to surround myself with ~ kind, compassionate, intelligent, witty and funny as hell.  Last week's Salon was no different ~ there were only 4 of us (the frigid February weather might have had something to do with that) but we chatted and drank and laughed for a few hours. #goodformysoul :)

Sharing meals with friends ~ whether it was delicious homemade dumplings at a tiny place in the upper Marais, a perfect French classic meal at a perfect Parisian bistro in the 6th or a homemade meal in a sumptuous apartment in the 7th with the Eiffel Tower as a backdrop, it wasn't the food that gave me joy ~ it was the people I shared that food with. So much of the pleasure I derive from being in Paris is the time I spend with friends.  These friends feed my soul, they keep me grounded, they remind me of why I took the biggest chance I've ever taken in my life and came to Paris for a year.  They make me laugh, they sympathize, they listen and they share.  They do what friends do ~ they are there for you, in good times and in bad.  They make me realize how much I have to be grateful for and remind me to never take anything for granted.  

Sharing a drink on a rainy Monday evening 

Dumplings!!

sun setting behind the Iron Lady

my view as I enjoyed dinner with two cherished friends

Meeting new people ~ I finally met a longtime Facebook friend on Wednesday and although we didn't have a long time as we both had to be somewhere else within the hour, it was one of those times where you just click.  It felt like we had known each other for years and the conversation just flowed so easily.  After our goodbye hugs, I walked from the 5th to Le Salon on Ile St Louis and this was my view:

This was one of those moments of pure joy ~ going from one friend to join others, the sun was shining and reflecting off the Seine, the blue sky filled the space around Notre Dame, and all was right with my world.  At that moment, I was exactly where I needed to be and doing exactly what I wanted to be doing. 

On Sunday, I joined 4 friends and we took the train to Provins, a medieval town about 80 kilometres South-East of Paris.  As an aside, my monthly Navigo pass includes Zones 1-5 and so I was able to take this journey for free.  No advance tickets needed, just show up at Gare de l'Est, trains depart and return hourly. Oh how I love my Navigo, let me count the ways lol.

Although it was brutally cold and windy, it was also one of those cloudless sunny days which yielded an amazing blue sky perfect for taking photos.  I was dressed warmly in my NorthFace down coat and Bogs boots, and added a hat, scarf and gloves to ensure I could walk in the frigid temperatures for hours.  And we did.  We stopped for a 2 hour lunch (2 hours because the service was sweetly very slow, but we didn't care because we were warm, drinking wine and making new memories with wonderful friends. :). We spent the rest of the time wandering this way and that, enjoying the views, laughing and getting to know each other better and just having the time of our lives.  The afternoon flew back and soon it was time to get the (free!!!) train back to Paris.  I had a date (!) and needed to ready myself (as much as a 57 year old grandmother can ready herself lol).  This day was just another example of the joy I get from being here ~ of course for the pleasure of being in a Unesco designated destination, but mostly for being able to share this time with friends and build common memories ~ and laugh.  OMG, did we laugh ~ on the train there and back, walking around frozen to the core (with memorable descriptions of how the cold was affecting our various body parts), at lunch despite (maybe because of) the sweet, very slow service (and non-Parisian prices!!) and just walking around, not really caring where we were going, just enjoying the moment and the people we were with.  A truly wonderful day and I will be going back to Provins when it's a little less cold. (My cheap Canadian ass is already looking at where else I can go for free with my Navigo ~ Versailles is on the radar.  Well, I almost made it there last week but the RER had other plans, so my friend and I just ended up back in Paris, eating and drinking wine.  Ah, how we suffer ;) )

just a little 1000 year old church.  That's all

Honestly, could that sky be any bluer!!!

Provins town square

the medieval fortifications that surround the old part of town

On a more personal note, it was a happy and sad week.  Not going to share more than that, but it is what it is.  Life is change.  Things happen to  bring you joy and things also happen to remind you that life happens when you are making plans.  We can't control anything that happens.  All we can control is how we react to those changes and try to live this short but amazing life we have been given.  We try to be there for the people we love in the best way we can.  I try to remember that I'm not responsible for everything that happens and that even if I was somewhere else, those things would still happen.  I have no control over any of that.  The only thing I can control is my reaction and to ensure that those I love know I love them and would do anything for them.  Besides that, I get to live my life the way I need to, at this moment.  Nothing is forever, and this time in Paris isn't forever either.  But it's here and it's now.  It's what I needed to be able to do to soothe my soul and be able to move forward with no regrets. A good friend constantly reminds me that "It's Later than You Think" ~ so live your life, here and now.  It's all part of Letting It Be :). I'll leave you all with a few more moments that gave me joy and happiness this week: 

a sliver of moon in the amazing blue sky of dusk

29 Avenue Rapp ~ an amazing Art Deco building that has to be seen to be believed

I took a walk through the back streets of Montmartre yesterday despite the cold ~ I was rewarded by this view that brought me to tears and reminded me I am where I need to be at this moment

A random little door that gave me joy

I just loved the cobweb peephole and the owl door handle

yes, it does :)

Sunday morning musings..........

Just a few random thoughts before I go out to enjoy a sunny afternoon in Paris..........

I continue to find moments of pure joy, where I just let myself go and nothing else matters except the beauty in front of me at that instant.  Sometimes it's walking down a street and realizing I live in Paris.  Sometimes it's happening upon something totally unexpected, like a free exhibit in a tiny library where I learn about a new artist.  Sometimes, it's revisiting places that have brought me joy in the past and realizing they still do.  Sometimes, it's walking past somewhere I went to with my ex husband and being able to smile at a memory, without anger or regret. This happened to me last week and it was so good to realize that the past cannot hurt me anymore.  It's just that ~ the past.  It is what it is and I've moved forward and am here, now, in the present and loving my life.  That is pure joy.

The people in my life also bring me joy ~ surrounding myself with kind people, who care about others.  Surrounding myself with intelligent people, who can have meaningful discussions about our world and how it affects us all.  Surrounding myself with sarcastic, witty people, who can make me laugh until I snort. What is even better is that my friends feed all these needs for me ~ the time I spend with them makes me happy, makes me think and makes me laugh.

As I listen to Stevie Nicks sing about being afraid of changes, I realize I am not afraid of change ~ I welcome it.  I seek it.  I revel in it.  Life is constant change ~ some good, some bad.  You can't control that change.  You can only control how you react to it.  That has been my mantra for the last four years and it has helped me get here ~ get to the point where I am able to Let It Be and just enjoy this life.

So I'm going to leave you with some photos of things and people that bring me joy ~ Happy Sunday :)

Seeing trees in bloom in February makes me unreasonably happy

I'll never, ever tire of this painting 

the blue sky of Paris at dusk

my three loves ~ they are always on my mind

memories that help me when I miss home

Moments of joy.............

When you live inside your head, it's hard to stop the noise.  Your thoughts are full of lists, conversations, worries, love, sadness, what ifs, whys and why nots.  It's hard to live in the moment because you are constantly talking to yourself, about the past, the present or the future.  About what you have to do. What you should have done.  Or not done.  About the people in your life.  About money, time and love.

But sometimes, the noise clears and you get a moment.  A moment of pure joy.  Of pure clarity.  Of pure being.

This post is about those moments.  I find myself having them more and more often. That is the gift that Paris gives me.  Moments when I can just Let It Be.............when the past or the future cease to exist and the only thing that matters, the only emotion I feel, is right now.

I had a few of those moments on Monday while I was walking on a sunny February day to meet a friend for lunch.  Whenever I walk in Paris, I usually have a vague map in my head of where I'm heading, but I usually end up taking a detour or two if I see something that catches my eye or if one street looks more interesting than the one I was planning to stroll on.  And so it was on Monday. I happened to walk by the Marie of the 9th Arrondissement by chance.  Every arrondissement of Paris has its own Marie (City Hall).  I live in the 9th so I was pretty excited to happen by my Marie.  I went in and took some photos.

The magnificent ceiling of the main room

A monument to honour citizens of the 9ieme arrondissement who were killed in WWI and WWII

As I entered the courtyard, the sun was shining, people were going about their business and I just felt like I was exactly where I should be.  I remember closing my eyes and feeling the sun on my face, and just being so happy to be there.  So at peace.

I continued my walk, making sure I found rue Richelieu because I wanted to go in and see the newly restored main reading room of the Richelieu wing of the Biblioteque National de France.  If you come to Paris, this building and especially this room are worth a detour.  It's truly spectacular and a shining example of the beauty that is all around us in Paris if you just look for it.

I snuck into this unlock room and took some photos

Look at that ceiling!

As I continued my stroll, I enjoyed the sights and sounds of Paris (I can't enjoy the smells, since I don't have a sense of smell lol).  Being an anal Canadian, I arrived very early to my lunch rendezvous. I realized how close I was to the Palais Royale and so I decided to walk over to kill some time.   I had last seen it the previous week, covered in the newly fallen snow that took Paris by storm (see what I did there?).  Today, the sun was shining, people were out sunning themselves, relaxing and enjoying a beautiful Monday afternoon in February.  I took more photos and suddenly had another moment of pure joy.  I remember seeing the flowers blooming (in February!) and Parisians sunning themselves and thinking how wonderful it was to just be alive right now.  How life is for living, how short it can be and how important it is to just let go and just enjoy it.  Now.  At this moment.

I've had several other such moments in the past few weeks ~ sitting in a tiny theatre, watching a play about a pivotal moment in France's history and thinking how wonderful it is that Paris supports these types of theatres and these types of plays ~ very non-commercial, intellectual and thought provoking. I watched people's rapt faces and how the small audience appreciated the two actors and the well written screenplay and I was so thrilled to just be there.  Visiting the Arthur Penn exhibit at the Grand Palais and marvelling over his ability to depict the ordinariness of famous people and the extraordinary qualities of world renowned others.  Happening upon a Klimt at the MoMA exhibit at the Louis Vuitton Foundation Museum.  Listening to a writer talk about hope and being kind to each other in the era of Trump politics.  Walking through les Tuilleries and seeing the bare trees form a kind of lace frame around the little lakes and walkways.  And spending time with friends ~ cherished friends who have welcomed me home, who listen to my joys and fears and worries, who encourage me to accept the joy of being here.  A dear friend who invited me to share the beauty of another part of France, who drove me tirelessly around for 4 days so I could experience some of the smaller towns and villages that make up this country.  Friends who share my love of Paris and who have come to live here because they understand what this city gives back to those who open their hearts to it.  Friends who have remade their lives and who live those lives on their terms.  Friends who gather around small tables in a Parisian cafe to discuss politics, life, memories and hopes and dreams.  I recently met a new friend who talked about growing up in the deep US south in the 1960s and watching from her darkened window as the Klu Klux Klan threw a fiery cross at the home two doors down from her to punish the man who lived there for promoting a black man at work.  Our group then had a conversation about racism and the current US administration.  These types of conversations feed my soul and my intellect and remind me why I am here and what's important to me. They bring me joy and contentment.

Yesterday I went to a lecture given by Roni Beth Tower,  a woman who wrote a book about finding love in mid-life. She spoke about the challenges of merging two lives, of moving to a new city and new country and leaving so much behind, and of being your true self and opening yourself up to new experiences and a new life.  So much of what she said resonated with me, and none more than what she told us at the end of her talk ~ tell your stories. Write them down and share them with your family and friends.  At that moment, I closed my eyes and gave thanks to whatever brought me to Paris for a year and to that little cafe in the Marais to hear this women articulate what I've been trying to do with my life.

One of my dear, sweet friends challenged me to try to find a moment of joy every day and to share it here.  I love that idea and will try to take up that challenge.  Ultimately, I hope this blog will be about my journey and who I am and who I want to be.  I hope it will be how Paris has changed me and has healed me.  How I have learned to Let It Be.............

The past......letting it be........

Most people in my life and who read this blog are aware of the events that have led me to this point in my journey.  I've never hidden what happened to me and I've always tried to be honest and to face those events with dignity and grace.

It's been over four years since my life disintegrated before my eyes.  Since all my hopes and dreams and plans literally vanished overnight.  It's taken those four years for me to be whole again ~ to be able to look forward to the future, without fear, without regret, without anger.  To be able to imagine coming to Paris for a year, let alone planning it and doing it.

Having the luxury of a year off means finding stuff to occupy that year with.  My first month flew by in a whirl.  My mind was still on vacation, I was busy setting up my apartment, getting to know my neighbourhood, reconnecting with old friends and making new ones. Before I knew it, it's five weeks later and guess what, I'm still in Paris! I still have 11 months ahead of me.  So now what?

I've always wanted to write.  And boy, do I have a story to tell. So you would think this would be the perfect time to do just that. Sit down and write.  About what happened. And where it led me.  And how I got there.  But that means revisiting that past.  It means going through the pain all over again.  In detail.  Remembering conversations and events and people that changed my life. That almost destroyed me.  That almost did me in.

But that's the thing.  They didn't.  They almost did. (And I'm not talking about taking my life here, although there were a few times I didn't think I wanted to go on.  I'm talking about giving up.  Living, but not living.  Becoming bitter. Not feeling grateful, not seeing the beauty in life. Letting events redefine your life to the point that you are not really living that life to the fullest.)  But I'm still here.  A very different person than I was when that old life slipped away from me on November 20, 2013.  A stronger, more aware, braver person that I could have imagined that day.  It's trite to say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  But I believe that inside each of us, there are strengths that lay there, waiting.  They are there, dormant, but available.... just in case.  You never really know how much you can take and how strong you really are until that moment comes when you have to draw on those strengths.  And then you just do.  Because what's the alternative?  Just lay down and give up?  Let an event outside your control determine who you are going forward?  No, you have to look at everything good that is still in your life and focus on that ~ those people who still love you, the blessings you still have ~ your health, your job, everything else that makes you, you.

Just think of everything I wouldn't have experienced if I had given up  ~  the people I wouldn't have met, the art I wouldn't have seen, the moments with my grandkids that I wouldn't have treasured, the nine trips to Paris I've savoured since that day four long years ago! Feeling sorry for myself and feeling like I was a victim would have been easy.  And maybe even warranted.  And there are moments and hours and days that I did.  But I was always determined that what happened to me would not define who I was.  Would not determine how I would live the days yet to come.  So I fought to ensure that it wouldn't.  And it hasn't.  And I'm happier and more content and more excited about the future than I have been in a very long time.

So maybe it's time to lay that past to rest.  I haven't decided yet if I'm going to write that book or not. I don't know if I need to in order to keep moving forward.  What I do know is if I do, it will be a very different book than it would have been even a few years ago.  It will be about how we move forward.  It won't be about revenge or rancour.  It will be to help people, not hurt them or even any scores. The past is the past.  It can't hurt me anymore.  I am who I am because of that past.  So I will embrace it.  Even be grateful for it because look where I am now!  I'm just Letting It Be.......in Paris :)

Wherever you go...........there you are

Sayings become sayings because there is usually truth to them.  So it is with my current blog post title.

Yes, I'm in Paris for a year.  Yes, this is a dream come true.  One I've been planning for a very long time.  But just because my address now says Paris France instead of Cornwall Ontario doesn't magically make my life different.  I'm still me.  I still have the same anxieties, worries and issues I had before January 3.  I also still have the same strengths, courage and raw sense of humour I had then.  It's just that all those characteristics, and many more that make up who I am, have been transplanted to my new home.  I still have to live with them.  What I hope is that I can learn to let go of some of the stuff that makes me anxious and makes me worry and focus more on why I am so damn happy when I am here.  Maybe I can figure out what makes me a different person when I'm here and learn to take that home with me.  Because home is still home.  It's where my loves are ~ my kids and my grandkids.  Those who love me unconditionally.

So that is something I will reflect on.  I realize that my problems don't magically disappear just because I'm in Paris.  But I also know that for whatever reason, those problems seem to recede a bit when I'm here.  So I'm going to try to figure out why.

In the meantime, I'm having the time of my life.  It's been a non stop whirlwind of good friends, good food and wine, wonderful art, discovering new neighbourhoods and revisiting old favourites.  I even actually left Paris for 4 days and spent time in the Basque Country with a treasured friend.  Life is good, my friends.  Very, very good.  I continue to fall deeper in love with this magnificent city that wraps her arms around me every time I visit.  I think my mind is finally coming to terms with the fact that I'm here for longer this time.  That I don't have to keep rushing from place to place, from friend to friend, trying to fit it all into 2 weeks or even 5 weeks.  Lately, I've taken to spending some nights in my cozy little Parisian apartment, making a simple dinner, having a glass of wine, listening to music, reading or watching French Netflix.  It's all part of being here for a year.  I am finding my groove, settling in, getting more familiar with my 'hood, my buses, my metro stations, my supermarkets and wine shops and boulangerie and fromagerie and even my local Picard!

I wouldn't have been able to even contemplate a year away from home if I didn't have the most amazing group of friends, both here in Paris and around the world, who encouraged me to take this leap of faith and dare to live my dream.  I am never lonely in Paris.  I have truly good people in my life, who are always there for me.  When I want to eat, drink and laugh.  And also when the sadness or feelings of doubt come.  There is always a hug ready for me, a shoulder to lean on, a cheek to kiss, arms to hold me. Some of those people are in Paris.  Some are elsewhere but always close to my heart.  I am never truly alone.  Except if I want to be.  And sometimes I do :). I like my company. I like to wander the streets for hours by myself.  I love to visit the museums and decide how long to look at a work of art. One minute, five, twenty ~ it's lovely to have the luxury of deciding that on the fly without having to explain to anyone.

So the first month has come and gone.  It's been mostly good but with a little sadness.  And that's ok.  That's life.  It's part of my moving on, part of my growing, part of figuring out who I am and who I want to be.  How lucky am I to be able to experience all of it, good and bad, exciting and mundane, beauty and dog poop, blue skies and rain, and sleet and even a bit of snow.  Wherever you go, there you are...........so here I am and I'm just Letting It Be :)

Irving Penn exhibit at Le Grand Palais

The magnificent Pont Alexndre III

The rising waters of the Seine

My lovely friend Roniece, beautiful inside and out.  She just celebrated 5 years in Paris and she inspires me to follow my dreams.

St Jean de Luz

Biarritz

Tapas in San Sebastian

Sun peeking out in San Sebastian

driving through the Pyrenees

Yes, it was as good as it looks!

Plane tree in Cambo Les Bains

riding the TGV at 315 kilometres an  hour

snow on the rooftops of Paris

The Louis Vuitton Foundation museum, designed by Frank Gehry

A Klint at the MoMA Exhibit 

Les Bouquinistes

Notre Dame

The mythical blue sky of Paris at dusk

good times with great friends

Always there, even in the fog.