Pain and Healing

Our dearest, sweetest, bravest Abby passed peacefully on September 23.  She is at peace now and is no longer suffering.

Abby's life may have been short but she brought so much meaning to all who knew her.  She brought love.  She brought courage.  She brought hope.  She brought unbelievable strength.  She showed us how to live each day to the fullest, no matter the obstacle.  She was our beautiful girl, happy and giggly regardless of what she was going through.  Her WhoWho was her constant companion and will be with her forever.  Barney gave her hours and hours of pleasure and will continue to do so.  She will be finally able to do the Baby Bop dance, with a smile on her face.

It's been three weeks since she passed and I think of her all the time.  Sometimes those thoughts bring a smile to my face and sometimes they bring a pang to my heart.  Sometimes both at the same time.  Losing someone you love is always devastating.  Losing someone so young, so innocent, who never really had a fair chance at life, is indescribable. Unfathomable. It's a parent, and grandparent's worse nightmare.  It's what we all silently, selfishly hope will never happen to us, to our family.  It's not the natural order of things for a parent to bury their child. I know I will spend my lifetime thinking of what if, of all the things Abby will miss, of all the joy we will miss by not having her in our life.

If my pain is great, I know my son's is bottomless.  Abby has been his life for over three years.  He has been by her side every step of the way, every moment of the day and night, since she was diagnosed in November 2016.  He has given up everything to be by his little girl's side, fighting for her and alongside her.  No one should ever have to see and experience what he has seen and experienced in the last 22 months.  No one.  Yet he always said the same thing whenever someone mentioned that he hadn't slept in a real bed for months on end, ate by her crib for almost two years, spent weeks and months on end in a room in a children's hospital ~ he always simply said, "She's worth it".

A grandparent's grief is twofold ~ I grieve for my darling Abby, for this little life taken away way too soon, and I grieve for my son, for the pain I can't take away, for the sorrow I know he will feel for the rest of his life and which I am powerless to prevent.  I will be there for him in any way he needs me to be and I will listen to him and hug him and love him and let him cry and vent and do whatever he needs to move forward.  But I can't lessen his pain and that puts a hole in my heart.

I can only hope that with time and love and support from his family and friends, he can slowly rebuild his life.  I know whatever direction he chooses to move toward, he will make Abby proud of him.  He will live a life worthy of his amazing daughter.  I know this because I know him.  I know what kind of man he is.  I'm so very proud to be his mom, proud of the man and father he has become. I love him with all my heart.

I'm so grateful to so many people who have been there for me during this time.  My daughter Danielle, who made sure I didn't go through this alone, who was by my side and let me cry on her shoulder, who let me stay at her place for two weeks after Abby passed so Derek could have privacy and space in my apartment. Having Charlie wake me up with a sweet little kiss every morning, chatting with Sebastian and realizing how grown up and mature he is, getting hugs and love from these two precious boys every day ~ all of it helped me make it though those anguished first days after Abby passed.  It reminded me that life goes on, that I still have so much in my life to cherish and love and look forward to.

My brother Michel who called me almost every day to make sure I was ok, who was there if I wanted to talk, to cry,  to vent.  My sister Brigitte who spent my first week back in Paris with me, who let me show her my Paris, who made what could have been a very sad time, happy and fun. Michael and Roniece who checked in on me daily via Messenger, to see how I was, to wish me courage, to ask about Derek.  So many friends at home and around the world who sent flowers, cards, who made donations to the hospice where Abby spent her last weeks, who sent food and comfort, who messaged me to tell me how this little child touched their lives, how they had followed her long journey and were grieving along with Derek and me.

I have said many times how blessed I am to have so many people in my life who love me and support me.  I was reminded of this over and over again in the last few weeks.  People are so kind and generous and good.  We need to remember this when life gets overwhelming, when the news about the world gets too depressing. There is good out there. We need to be open to it and let it into our hearts.  And we need to give it back whenever we can.  That is what will make this world a joyous place.

I know Paris will help heal me.  She has before and she will do it again. I will finish out my year in Paris, this gift that I gave myself, my long awaited dream, with a heavier heart than I began it.  But if Abby's journey taught me anything, it is that life is precious.  Life is short and it's the only one we have. So I will try to live mine in a way that honours her, that is worthy of who she was and what she meant to so many people. I will make her proud of her grandma.  I will Let It Be..................