I'm still in awe that I made this dream a reality. I'm still pinching myself that I have the luxury of a whole year to explore and indulge and discover. So this post isn't about being disappointed with Paris. On the contrary ~ I'm more in love with this city than ever and I am sure I've made the right decision for myself.
No, this post is about feelings. Feelings about people. People I love dearly. People who I know love me. It's about how those feelings affect me and thus are affecting my time here so far.
It's really hard when you know someone very close to you doesn't approve of what you are doing. When they decide to withhold not only their support, but also their love. I wish I was strong enough to not let it bother me. I know I'm doing what I have to do, what my heart and soul are telling me to. I also have the support of so many people in my life, both at home and here in my adopted city. These people have sustained me right from the start and have believed in me and have encouraged me to fulfill my dream. But it's often the approval you don't get that matters the most. That nags at you and lessens your excitement and happiness. I wish this wasn't true. I'm trying to fight it as much as I can. The days are usually good. I'm busy ~ I have friends to meet, walks to take, phone plans to set up, etc. I have enough things to keep my mind occupied and they all bring me joy. But sometimes when I go to bed at night, the doubts and the hurt are there, just lurking. I wonder if I've damaged a relationship that means the world to me for the sake of making myself happy. I have to make myself remember that I have the right to live my life. I've lived it for other people for a very long time. It's my turn now. I shouldn't feel guilty about that. And I don't, really. But. But. I hate that what has made me so happy is hurting someone close to me. I wish I knew how to make it better. But I don't, short of coming home. And I'm not going to do that. I've worked too long and too hard to get this far. I'm not turning back now. I can't. So I hope that one of two things will happen. Either I figure out how to not let it bother me or the person involved realizes that my time in Paris doesn't lessen my love for that person or anyone else involved. One thing has nothing to do with the other.
There's also the hurt when someone you thought cared for you doesn't quite get you. I have a close friend who told me recently that my blog was "all about you". Well yes, it is. It is all about me. I've never pretended otherwise. This blog is like my personal journal, but I'm also sharing it with friends and family. But the blog is intensely personal. It's not going to be a travelogue on Paris and where I went today and what I ate. There will be some of that. Because I have an intense need to share that crap ;). But the blog is about my journey. From a totally broken person four years ago who didn't think she would ever be able to not be in intense pain to someone who is daring to dream, daring to fly, daring to make "it" happen, whatever "it" happens to be. I hope that sharing who I am, how I got here and what happens next will maybe help someone one day who doesn't think they can survive. Who doesn't believe they can thrive after their world gets torn apart. You can. I'm proof. So yes, this blog is all about me. But it's also about this city that has healed me, that has made me believe I could be another person, a happier, more content version of myself. So there will be lots of posts about what I'm doing and what I'm eating and what I'm seeing. But there will also be posts about what I'm feeling. About who I am. Who I was. Why I like the person I am in Paris.
So Paris two weeks in is very good. But it's also a little sad. And I guess that is real life. It's never all good or all bad. It's a mixture and it's confusing and it's great and it's not. But it's life. It is what it is :)
I hope I'm not coming off as whiny or bitchy. I'm so grateful to be here and I never take it for granted. I'm also extremely lucky to have almost everyone in my life, both here in Paris and back home, give me unconditional love and support. This is what sustains me and gives me the courage to be here. By myself. In the city I love. For a year.
I promise my next post will be about Paris. And what I'm doing. In the meantime, here are some photos to show I'm not just sitting at home brooding. I am having the time of my life.