Let It Be..........Paris: I am woman, hear me roar.........

This post is brought to you by CRA, the Canada Revenue Agency. Well, not really. But I filed my taxes today. From Paris. I was dreading it because there have been overpayment and underpayment issues with my pay courtesy of the Phoenix pay system which pays most of Canada's civil servants. That's a whole different post for another day. But last year, my tax slip was incorrect and messed up my taxes. I was worried about a repeat this year, and of having to deal with it while overseas. I put off filing until today's deadline, April 30. But lo and behold, it went well. I'm even getting a refund (which will probably get swallowed up by the incorrect amount I owe from last year). But I don't care. It's done and now I can get on with enjoying Paris without that uncertainty hanging over my head.

I did a little dance in my perfect little Paris apartment once I hit the File My Taxes button. Relief flooded through me. But also pride. Confidence. Contentment. Joy. Wow, that's a lot of emotion for such a mundane act. But it wasn't that act per se that spurred such emotion in me. It was what that act signified. That I'm a strong, independent, competent woman. Capable of taking care of myself. Of making my dream come true. Of creating a whole new life in Paris for myself.

Filing my taxes was just the culmination of feelings that have been stirring within me for a few weeks. I've slowly been realizing that I'm starting to let go of some of my fears since I got here. Fear that I was selfish to come to Paris when people back home needed me. Fear that I was the only one who could do everything, be everywhere, solve it all. Fear of being judged.

A funny thing has happened in the last month or so. I have never felt stronger, or more sure of myself than right now. Coming to Paris for a year, all by myself, seems to have freed me from my anxieties. Don't get me wrong. I still live in my head. But that head doesn't seem to be scolding me as much anymore. It's more soothing, more accepting of its owner. Life hasn't changed. Abby is still fighting for her life. My son is still living an unimaginable day to day life. I still miss my kids and grandkids terribly. But I have also come to realize that it's ok for me to know all this and still live my life. It's ok. It's my life to live. No one is judging. And if they are, well, fuck them. Not their life. Mine. MINE.

I had lunch with a dear friend today. I told her how I was starting to realize that coming to Paris was the absolutely right thing for me to do. How I was starting to let go of the guilt, the sadness, the anger and the regret. How I was starting to embrace the joy that Paris and the people in my life bring me. It was one of those a-ha moments we keep hearing about. I just feel so empowered and in control of me right now. Like I can do anything. Because guess what? I can :)

I hope that this post is not coming out as bragging or that I am superior to anyone. That's not my point at all. My point is that we all have the potential to go through earth shattering changes, changes that make your heart break and your head explode with pain and despair, and come out ok on the other side. Not just ok. But absolutely rocking it. This strength is within us. Even in our darkest times, that strength is inside us. We just have to believe in it. To know that time truly does heal. That you won't always feel like your insides have been torn to shreds. Believe me, I've been there. Done that. Got the damn t-shirt. But now I have a new t-shirt. One I made myself. One that says I'm OK. More than OK. I'm living my life exactly how I want to. For the first time in my life, I'm taking care of myself, I'm responsible only to myself, I'm doing exactly what I want, when I want and how I want. The exhilaration of knowing all this is hard to explain. I'm exactly where I need to be right now at this point in my life. I am strong. I am invincible. I am woman (thanks, Helen Reddy).

Well, that is enough patting myself on the back for now. I'll leave you with a few Paris images that have brought me joy over the last few weeks. I'm just going to continue to Let It Be.............