I am woman, hear me roar.........

This post is brought to you by CRA, the Canada Revenue Agency.  Well, not really.  But I filed my taxes today. From Paris. I was dreading it because there have been overpayment and underpayment issues with my pay courtesy of the Phoenix pay system which pays most of Canada's civil servants.  That's a whole different post for another day.  But last year, my tax slip was incorrect and messed up my taxes.  I was worried about a repeat this year, and of having to deal with it while overseas.  I put off filing until today's deadline, April 30. But lo and behold, it went well.  I'm even getting a refund (which will probably get swallowed up by the incorrect amount I owe from last year).  But I don't care.  It's done and now I can get on with enjoying Paris without that uncertainty hanging over my head.

I did a little dance in my perfect little Paris apartment once I hit the File My Taxes button.  Relief flooded through me.  But also pride.  Confidence.  Contentment. Joy.  Wow, that's a lot of emotion for such a mundane act.  But it wasn't that act per se that spurred such emotion in me.  It was what that act signified.  That I'm a strong, independent, competent woman.  Capable of taking care of myself.  Of making my dream come true.  Of creating a whole new life in Paris for myself.

Filing my taxes was just the culmination of feelings that have been stirring within me for a few weeks.  I've slowly been realizing that I'm starting to let go of some of my fears since I got here.  Fear that I was selfish to come to Paris when people back home needed me.  Fear that I was the only one who could do everything, be everywhere, solve it all.  Fear of being judged.

A funny thing has happened in the last month or so.  I have never felt stronger, or more sure of myself than right now.  Coming to Paris for a year, all by myself, seems to have freed me from my anxieties. Don't get me wrong.  I still live in my head.  But that head doesn't seem to be scolding me as much anymore.  It's more soothing, more accepting of its owner.  Life hasn't changed.  Abby is still fighting for her life.  My son is still living an unimaginable day to day life.  I still miss my kids and grandkids terribly.  But I have also come to realize that it's ok for me to know all this and still live my life.  It's ok.  It's my life to live.  No one is judging.  And if they are, well, fuck them.  Not their life.  Mine.  MINE.

I had lunch with a dear friend today.  I told her how I was starting to realize that coming to Paris was the absolutely right thing for me to do. How I was starting to let go of the guilt, the sadness, the anger  and the regret.  How I was starting to embrace the joy that Paris and the people in my life bring me. It was one of those a-ha moments we keep hearing about.  I just feel so empowered and in control of me right now.  Like I can do anything.  Because guess what?  I can :)

I hope that this post is not coming out as bragging or that I am superior to anyone.  That's not my point at all.  My point is that we all have the potential to go through earth shattering changes, changes that make your heart break and your head explode with pain and despair, and come out ok on the other side.  Not just ok.  But absolutely rocking it.  This strength is within us.  Even in our darkest times, that strength is inside us.  We just have to believe in it.  To know that time truly does heal.  That you won't always feel like your insides have been torn to shreds. Believe me, I've been there.  Done that.  Got the damn t-shirt.  But now I have a new t-shirt.  One I made myself.  One that says I'm OK.  More than OK.  I'm living my life exactly how I want to.  For the first time in my life, I'm taking care of myself, I'm responsible only to myself, I'm doing exactly what I want, when I want and how I want.  The exhilaration of knowing all this is hard to explain.  I'm exactly where I need to be right now at this point in my life.  I am strong. I am invincible. I am woman (thanks, Helen Reddy).

Well, that is enough patting myself on the back for now.  I'll leave you with a few Paris images that have brought me joy over the last few weeks.  I'm just going to continue to Let It Be.............

my Paris bestie

yes, a little drunk, but oh, so happy

springtime in Paris

Who wouldn't want to have lunch here?

a ride in the country

More spring blossoms

Walking along the Seine

Parc Monceau

Auvers Church, made famous by Van Gogh

My favourite artist, who created beauty all through his tragic life

the blue sky of Paris as seen from my window 

The past......letting it be........

Most people in my life and who read this blog are aware of the events that have led me to this point in my journey.  I've never hidden what happened to me and I've always tried to be honest and to face those events with dignity and grace.

It's been over four years since my life disintegrated before my eyes.  Since all my hopes and dreams and plans literally vanished overnight.  It's taken those four years for me to be whole again ~ to be able to look forward to the future, without fear, without regret, without anger.  To be able to imagine coming to Paris for a year, let alone planning it and doing it.

Having the luxury of a year off means finding stuff to occupy that year with.  My first month flew by in a whirl.  My mind was still on vacation, I was busy setting up my apartment, getting to know my neighbourhood, reconnecting with old friends and making new ones. Before I knew it, it's five weeks later and guess what, I'm still in Paris! I still have 11 months ahead of me.  So now what?

I've always wanted to write.  And boy, do I have a story to tell. So you would think this would be the perfect time to do just that. Sit down and write.  About what happened. And where it led me.  And how I got there.  But that means revisiting that past.  It means going through the pain all over again.  In detail.  Remembering conversations and events and people that changed my life. That almost destroyed me.  That almost did me in.

But that's the thing.  They didn't.  They almost did. (And I'm not talking about taking my life here, although there were a few times I didn't think I wanted to go on.  I'm talking about giving up.  Living, but not living.  Becoming bitter. Not feeling grateful, not seeing the beauty in life. Letting events redefine your life to the point that you are not really living that life to the fullest.)  But I'm still here.  A very different person than I was when that old life slipped away from me on November 20, 2013.  A stronger, more aware, braver person that I could have imagined that day.  It's trite to say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  But I believe that inside each of us, there are strengths that lay there, waiting.  They are there, dormant, but available.... just in case.  You never really know how much you can take and how strong you really are until that moment comes when you have to draw on those strengths.  And then you just do.  Because what's the alternative?  Just lay down and give up?  Let an event outside your control determine who you are going forward?  No, you have to look at everything good that is still in your life and focus on that ~ those people who still love you, the blessings you still have ~ your health, your job, everything else that makes you, you.

Just think of everything I wouldn't have experienced if I had given up  ~  the people I wouldn't have met, the art I wouldn't have seen, the moments with my grandkids that I wouldn't have treasured, the nine trips to Paris I've savoured since that day four long years ago! Feeling sorry for myself and feeling like I was a victim would have been easy.  And maybe even warranted.  And there are moments and hours and days that I did.  But I was always determined that what happened to me would not define who I was.  Would not determine how I would live the days yet to come.  So I fought to ensure that it wouldn't.  And it hasn't.  And I'm happier and more content and more excited about the future than I have been in a very long time.

So maybe it's time to lay that past to rest.  I haven't decided yet if I'm going to write that book or not. I don't know if I need to in order to keep moving forward.  What I do know is if I do, it will be a very different book than it would have been even a few years ago.  It will be about how we move forward.  It won't be about revenge or rancour.  It will be to help people, not hurt them or even any scores. The past is the past.  It can't hurt me anymore.  I am who I am because of that past.  So I will embrace it.  Even be grateful for it because look where I am now!  I'm just Letting It Be.......in Paris :)