Still Letting It Be..............

 I know, I know........it's been a while. What can I say?  There's been a pandemic, there's been laziness, there's been reluctance to share, there's been changes and there's been trying to figure out exactly what I want out of life.  Well, maybe not figuring it out as much as accepting what I already knew in my heart.

Coming back to reality from my year in France was challenging in a few ways.  Anyone (all 3 of you!) who have read my blog know what that year meant to me.  It was my long awaited, long planned for and long dreamed of gift to myself.  I am a different person in Paris and I truly love who that person is.  She's free to be herself, open to new ideas and adventures.  She realized during that year that it's ok to love yourself, to do things that make you happy.  Life is so, so short.  We spend so much of it taking care of others, doing what we are expected to by family, friends and society.  Fitting in. Not taking too much space.  Not putting ourself first.  

My year in France made me stronger.  It allowed me to figure out exactly who I was and what I want.  It was a year of exuberance, discovery, extreme sadness, wonder, laughter, tears, deep friendships and so much more.  It was my year :)

So when I came back, there was a sense of ~ what's next?  I'm not the same person I was when I left.  How do I reconcile that and how do I move forward?

I went back to the job I love and which allowed me to take my dream year off. I came back to my kids and grandkids, my family and friends who love me unconditionally and who encouraged me to make my dream a reality. Life went on.

I met someone in 2019.  We hit it off very quickly.  It looked like we had a lot in common.  We both loved to travel. We enjoyed good food and wine, shared a love of music, and we each had a full life.  We complimented each other.  We started to make plans for the future ~ retirement, marriage, travel.  It was a whirlwind and I went along for the ride.  I surprised myself by being that open to that much change in such a short time.  I told myself it came from my time in Paris ~ my comfort with myself, with who I was. I hadn't been looking for a serious relationship because I had a very full life and I was very content.  

Things were very good for a while.  But there's a reason you really need to know someone before you make serious plans with them. It takes time to really know another human being ~ to know who they are ~ their past, their real personality, their hopes and dreams, their disappointments, their fears, what makes them happy, what can make them angry.  There is so much to each of us ~ a lifetime that goes into making us who we are.

This person was very kind to me.  I know he loved me. I'm not going to rehash our relationship in a blog. But over time, I realized he just wasn't the person for me.  We are fundamentally very different people who look at life in very different ways.  There's no right or wrong, no good or bad.  Just different.  So I made the very hard decision to let him go.  Anyone who knows me knows I never want to hurt anyone.  I value kindness over almost anything else, and I go out of my way to treat everyone with that same kindness.  It took me a long time to work up the courage to say what was in my heart and how I felt in my gut.  It would have been very easy to stay, but it would have been wrong.  He deserves someone who loves him in the way he wants to be loved.  That person is not me.  

So I didn't blog during this time.  There was just something inside me that kept me from doing it.  In the end, I think it's because I couldn't really be as honest as I wanted to about things because I know he would be reading it.  So I would have had to edit myself.  Anyone who's read my posts knows that whatever else I am when I write, I am open and honest and I pull no punches.  My posts are real and they are raw and I go on and on (like I'm doing right now ;) ). I never censor what I write because in the end, it's always been a journal to myself and for myself.  But for whatever reason, I didn't blog during what should have been (at least the first 6-9 months of the relationship) a very happy and exciting time in my life.  That should have told me something.

So I am once again a single woman.  A very happily single woman.  It's been about six months since I broke off our engagement. I have no regrets beyond hurting a nice human being.  I just had to listen to what my heart was telling me.  I know myself well by now and I knew this was just not the life I wanted.  It would have been very nice, very comfortable.  But not what I want at this point in my life.  I like my alone time.  I like being able to make plans at the spur of the moment.  I like being free. My life is so very full with wonderful family and friends.  

I guess I had to struggle between what I knew was right for me and what society tells us we should want.  When we got engaged, so many people told me how wonderful it was that I would "finally" be happy again.  As if being a couple is the only way to be happy! So many things make me happy ~ my kids and my grandkids. My family.  My friends.  My health.  Having a wonderful job that allows me to help people and allows me a great work/life balance.  Paris makes me happy. Intelligent conversations make me happy.  Laughing with a good friend until I pee my pants make me happy.  Kindness makes me happy. 

So here I am again!  You may be wondering what prompted this long, never ending diatribe to myself.  Well, yesterday I had one of those days that reminded me that I'm right where I should be at this point in my life.  Ontario finally reopened after a very long and dreary Covid lockdown.  I made a spur of the moment decision to go to Ottawa to visit our National Gallery.  There's a Rembrandt exhibition on currently.  As I wandered around the architecturelly stunning museum, looking at 400 year old masterpieces by one of the great art masters of the world, I felt like I was exactly in the right place at the right time.  

It was a warm Saturday afternoon when I left the museum after a few hours of filling my senses with great art (oh art, how've I've missed you during Covid!).  I wandered the Byward Market area of Ottawa until I found somewhere for an early dinner.  I took my time, enjoying some wine, the music in the background, and the murmur of people enjoying themselves. I felt happy and content to just be in the moment. 

I ended my day by getting a tattoo to honour someone very special to me who passed away last year. I've been thinking about doing this for a little while, but yesterday seemed to be the perfect time.  I asked my sweet waitperson if she knew of any reputable tattoo places nearby and she gave me a few recommendations, encouraging me to just go and do it!  So I did :). Slainte is the Gaellic word for cheers.  My friend was Scottish and we often toasted each other like that.  He's a person who changed my life in many ways.  He wasn't perfect, because none of us are.  But he will always be in my heart for teaching me to live life one day at a time, to never stop learning, never stop dreaming and that it is ok to make myself happy.  Slainte, my darling Campbell.

As I drove home last night, I felt more at peace than I have in a while. The long nightmare of Covid is beginning to lift.  I'm returning to my beloved Paris for 3 months in the fall.  I plan to just be ~ take long walks soaking in the city I have long ago given my heart to.  Return to the museums and art I've grown to love over the years.  Catch up with the sweet friends who have always been there for me, through heartbreak and tragedy. Drink wine at cafes, laughing and talking about life.  This is my Paris and I can't wait to make it mine again for that time.

I drove and played my old classic rock music very loudly, singing along. I was happy.  Content.  Excited about the future.  I'm grateful and humbled by the love and support of the people in my life.  My daughter Danielle.  My son Derek.  My two sweet grandsons, Sebastian and Charlie.  And my darling Abby, always in my heart.  To so many who have been with me every step of the way. Life is good. :)

I'll continue to Let It Be and we will see what happens next!